End of World Postponed Again, For Now
by Jon Scharf, The Gather
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colorado & GENEVA, Switzerland- Armageddon, Awakening of Cthulhu, Big Crunch, End of Days, Götterdämmerung, Ragnarök, Rapture, Second Coming, and the Yuga cyclical change all failed to occur again this past week.
Although no particular cosmological, mystical, scientific or religious foreshadowing event has happened, the ever present feeling of doom seems to have been recently heightened. “Anyone who follows the news closely can find signs of the end times in cultural, scientific, and religious occurrences,” said Dr. A. Paul Koliptic, Professor of Eschatology at Bob Jones University.
Just yesterday near Geneva, Switzerland, liberally funded European scientists fired up their doomsday machine. In their underground bunkers these modern-day Prometheuses will use the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) to smash sub-atomic particles just to observe what happens. Scientists hope to mimic conditions similar to those just after the so-called ‘Big Bang’ and anticipate re-creating what they in their atheistic hubris have nicknamed the ‘god particle.’
Such luminaries as The Simpson’s appearing guest star, Professor Stephen Hawking, also the Lucasian professor (no relation to George Lucas) of mathematics at Cambridge University, have tried to reassure the public. Professor Hawking has said the LHC’s power was “feeble” compared with collisions happening in the universe all the time. At the same time, different place, Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory Dr. Pier Oddone doesn’t have any idea about what might happen at LHC. “That there are many theories means we don’t have a clue,” said Dr. Oddone. “That’s what makes it so exciting.”
Excitement for particle physicists may not be as exciting for the rest of us. Material and light sucking black holes, rips in the fabric of time-space, even alternative universes where Dick Cheney wins the U.S. presidency are all possible. “Many mytho-religious traditions have mankind being the means of his own end and perhaps anything; the LHC, the Big Mac, the presidential election could be part of that self-destruction,” remarked Dr. Koliptic.
Meanwhile back in the States, end-times-evangelical voters have been enraptured by the god’s will pick of Sarah Palin as the G.O.P. (God’s Only Party) vice presidential candidate. Focus on the Family’s James Dobson compared Governor Palin’s appearance on the ticket to another event in the evangelical pantheon, “I don’t remember this kind of electric moment since I went to the inauguration of Ronald Reagan.” Although some in the movement did fear that Reagan was the Anti-Christ since his three names (Ronald Wilson Reagan) all have six letters in them. Reassuringly Sarah Louise Heath Palin’s names reveal a 5-6-5-5 combination.
End times author himself, Tim LaHaye has expressed admiration for Governor Palin. “Beside our belief in a Culture of Life, belief that homosexuality can be cured through prayer, and hatred of what liberals have done to our country, Sarah and I share a love of hockey,” said LaHaye. Mr. LaHaye donated the funding to construct the LaHaye Ice Center at Liberty University. As President of the LaHaye School of Prophecy and Student Center, also at Liberty University, LaHaye is currently leading an effort to divine whether a female vice president is alluded to in the Book of Revelations. “Any imagery we can uncover in the Bible for Sarah’s role in the End Times will help us get out the vote this November for the Palin/McCain ticket,” concluded LaHaye.
Most values-voters are drawn to the glow around Sarah Palin’s candidacy like moths to a flame. Peggy Nant, a thirty year-old mother of six young children shared her enthusiasm about Governor Palin. “I think I’d even be glad if the Rapture could be delayed so I could see Sarah in the White House,” said Nant. Mrs. Nant also hoped that a President Palin’s unwavering support for Israel might also help to usher in Armageddon in the Middle East. “From my point of view this election is all about the children. I don’t want my kids growing up in this ungodly world,” finished Mrs. Nant.
However, word on the evangelical street is telling a tale in different tongues. “We all know that as the spawn of Satan, the Anti-Christ and the bringer of End Times, as a leader, they will be a Democrat and not a Republican,” said Jerry Falwell many times before he died last year. Thusly, some on the fringe of the evangelical right are working hard to get Barack Obama elected. “We were all disappointed that Bill Clinton didn’t bring about the Second Coming,” said eighty-one year-old evangelical voter Mille Niall. “Now that Hillary doesn’t have a chance at the presidency till 2012, we older ladies now have to work that much harder to get Obama elected if we want to see the Anti-Christ in our lifetimes,” chimed in Ms. Niall friend who wished to remain anonymous. Whether the Born Again block can work together to bring about the End of Days we shall just have to wait and see.
For even a casual observer it seems to be clear that the pieces for the End of the World as we know it are falling into place. We already have Earthquake (1974), The Birds (1963) and Snakes on a Plane (2006)-Is Lenny Bruce not afraid? For the last word on when we might expect the expected let us turn again to Professor A. Paul Koliptic, “Well, at least we know the end for one civilization won’t happen before 21 December 2012. That’s the last day of the Maya Calendar.”
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